How Lolita Saved My Life
By: Kyra Thomas
TRIGGER WARNING: This post contains mentions of the following: drug addiction, abuse, bugs, and homelessness.
Lolita fashion is far more than just a way of dressing for me; it saved my life.
Three years ago, in 2017, I was addicted to methamphetamine, homeless, and in a relationship that was physically, financially, and emotionally abusive. I woke up every morning with the sun scorching me through the windshield of my car, grateful to have made it through another night without being arrested for sleeping there. I drove from my safe spot in a church parking lot to my job at Starbucks, where I bathed myself with baby wipes and changed into my cleanest clothes in the bathroom before my shift. I was given one food item per day, which I split with my boyfriend in the car during lunch break. The rest of our meals consisted only of frappuccinos and whatever we could get from Sprouts. It is safe to say that I was living a life no one should ever have to live.
I used various drugs to help me cope with it. I was miserable and wanted nothing more than to escape from the life I was living. My boyfriend isolated me from all of my friends and family, telling me they hated me and that he was the only one who loved me. I felt truly alone, and yet, I persisted in hopes that someday I could find the will to overcome this lifestyle.
The clothes I wore were a reflection of my life: usually hand-me-downs or thrift store finds that did nothing to represent who I really wanted to be. Nothing against hand-me-downs or thrift finds! I just wasn't wearing anything special to me. They were often dirty, and I used my tip money from Starbucks to occasionally wash them at the laundromat.
At Starbucks, I had the freedom of dressing how I wanted within the lenient dress code. This is when I started exploring what I wanted to dress like and how I wanted to present myself to the world. I was desperate to find some sort of escapism from my unpleasant life—a way to show the true self I knew was buried within me.
Here are a couple of photos of me from that year side by side with my current style. Notice how different it was from how I currently dress. The colors I used to wear were muted and neutral. Now I wear bright and bold colors that exude confidence. Even when I sometimes do not feel confident, I put on a bold outfit to "fake it till I make it." Before, I was afraid of taking up space, and now I am confident enough to do it both figuratively and literally with my huge petticoats!
Website - Instagram - Facebook
How exactly did this shift from muted hand-me-downs to luxurious dresses impact my life? Lolita gave me a goal to work towards. I began researching it constantly and seeing people live the life that I wanted. Not only was I looking up to people in the lolita community for their sense of style, but I was also noticing their relatively normal, pleasant lives. They had steady jobs, supportive partners, and nice homes, and I was filled with envy. That prompted the change in my own life.
I began to save money from my job at Starbucks, and was eventually able to get an apartment with my boyfriend and a roommate. I slept on a dirty mattress on the floor, where cockroaches scurried across me while I slept. My boyfriend continued to abuse me, and my roommate often berated me and even attempted to hit me a couple of times. Still, I yearned for the life lived by the lolitas I looked up to, and continued to pursue my goals.
I attended my first lolita swap meet during the time that I lived in that apartment and bought the items pictured below as a basic attempt. I ordered a petticoat from Bunny House, but my roommate stole the package, so I never actually had a complete coord during that time period. Regardless of the fact that it was not lolita, I still proudly wore this outfit to work and in my everyday life.
I got clean from drugs for many reasons; however, a big one was that I wanted to be able to afford lolita. This may sound silly to some people, but it truly gave me a goal to work towards. Once I got clean, I was able to move back in with my family in Colorado. My boyfriend, unfortunately, came with me and continued to hurt me, but my family was there to graciously lift me back up. In their everlasting patience, they supported me by gently encouraging me to leave him while giving me the space to make the decision on my own.
Most importantly, lolita gave me confidence and a sense of identity. My boyfriend had pushed me into such a mental space that I had no idea who or what I was anymore. I had no purpose in life other than to care for him. Once I began wearing lolita, I was loud and proud for the first time since I met him in high school. People noticed me in a positive way. I felt beautiful, which led me to feel more love for myself. I felt my quirky, artistic self come back to me, slowly but surely. I began to feel good about how I looked and felt my own self-worth return to me. I stopped making myself small to fit into others' comfort zones, and instead took up the space I deserved. My confidence grew steadily until I was finally able to leave my boyfriend with the help of my dear friends and supportive family.
Currently, I am living a life I never dreamed I could. I live with my family in a nice house where I never fear abuse. I have a new, caring boyfriend who has never laid a finger on me, who treats me so well that sometimes I'm not even sure how to respond. I have a plethora of friends, some of whom wear lolita and others who don't. I help run a support group for women in recovery from some of the issues I've dealt with. I am confident, clean, and happy. Even when I slip up, my support system is there to help me get back on my feet. Lolita is always there for me when I'm feeling down, like battle armor against the trials and tribulations of the world.
Here are two pictures of me with two of my biggest supporters: my best friend Sunshine and my boyfriend Alejandro.
My good friend suggested to me that I ought to be more vulnerable, so I thought it might be good to talk about the struggles that ultimately led to my passion for lolita. Lolita is not just the clothes I wear; it is truly a lifesaver. It is the only way I feel like I am presenting my authentic self to the world around me, who was hidden away for so long. By choosing to dress how I want, I took back my power to choose who I wanted to be without being told what to feel, how to act, and what to wear. That is why I wish to share it with others in as many ways as possible. I hope that lolita can be an escape, a goal, and a hobby for those who might not have that yet.
Please visit “How I Got Started in Lolita Fashion” for more on Kyra’s journey.
Author Bio: Kyra is the owner and founder of Bibelot Rose, which is a one-stop lolita resource for inspiration, information, and shopping. She is a lifestyle lolita and has been in the fashion since 2018. She loves to get creative and try out new combinations for coords and hopes to inspire others to do the same.